Jumat, 23 Desember 2016

opini sekedar. ojo dibaperi bosqu.

here's to a lousy xmas!

Menjelang natal dan tahun baru ini, negara kita dilanda lagi dan lagi sama yang namanya wabah SARA. Yang ga lain dipicu dari kasus gubernur ibu kota-ahok-yang bisa dikatakan 'salah ngomong' sehingga menyinggung golongan muslim di Indonesia. Ibarat kata ya namanya manusia mah ga ada yang sempurna atuh... tapi kerap kali kasus yang selalu terjadi pada khalayak umum adalah, "seribu kebaikan tak akan sanggup menutup satu kesalahan sekecil upil". dan ya terjadilah, kecam mengecam, perang opini dan 'pinter-pinteran ngemeng' di ranah sosial media Indonesia.

Gw jujur, mungkin gw bukanlah seorang ahli surga atau yang paling (mau) banget paham sama panggung politik. Gw emang termasuk aktif banget wara-wiri di sosial media entah ngepos foto apalah, random gif, sharing video ala2, ngebanyol tentang #life, atau cuma sekedar mantau timeline... dan gw akui, dalam beberapa pekan ini news-feed facebook gw banyak banget orang 'kesambet'.
beberapa jadi banyak yang kayak 'baca ni, gw paling tau. gw paling bener. lo semua tolol. lo semua setan.'

lah..... monggo kopinya minum dulu toh bosqu.



Tapi ya intinya si sabeb, cause i actually don't give a fuck sama apa yang dishare. jadi gw ga merasa perlu untuk unfriend atau blok apa segala macem, karena disamping mudahnya untuk menggulir jemari ngeskip postingan lau, kadang juga gw kayak sedikit terhibur sama caption-caption dari link yang dishare atau update2 status yang tertulis wkwkwkwkw.
Ada lah yang segala puitis kebaperan, ada lah yang jadi Mr. Wise netral2 bersahaja, ada lah yang emosi, ada lah yang mengolok olok lewat sarkasme, dan lain-lain.
Gw ga tau juga ya sebagai netizen gw termasuk dalam golongan yang mana.... tapi yang jelas gw susah dah tu yang namanya serius2 gitu di facebook. Gw lagi galau aja gw ngecengin diri gw sendiri bor... jadi gajels emang arah hidup gw kesebelah mana kalo mo dijudge lewat sosmed.



Yah dari gw, menanggapi aksi aksi digital teman-teman di panggung sosial media, secara pribadi gw cukup terkesima. KALIAN LUAR BIASA. Agak iri gw jadinya yang i mean kayak waktu lo banyak banget yah buat baca-baca artikel yang ditulis dari random sumber dan mengutipnya di facebook dengan kalimat lo sendiri. It took a seriously effort dude, salut gw aseli.
Apa gw nya ae yang terlalu cuek kebanyakan ga serius nya ya. Gw jadi minder deh orang-orang kok pada bisa ya kepalanya diisi sama banyak banget hal.... mikirin ahok, mikirin agamanya, mikirin negaranya, mikirin suriah, mikirin komen-komen netizen, mikirin kaum zionis, mikirin raisa sama mas hamis, mikirin artikel ini dan artikel itu, sementara gw??? Yang gw pikirin mau makan apa ya yang enak, kangen mama-papa-pacar, ngelarin kerjaan dari sini dan sana, mikir mo kemana ya weekend atau libur panjang nanti, budgeting ini itu biar punya tabungan, mikirin anjay tu bikini lucu bet tapi mahal tot, belum lagi bagian2 ngayal fana tiap malem sebelum tidur....
kaka????? gimana gw ga salut coba sama orang2 yang punya banyak ruang didalam kepalanya untuk mikirin kemelut masalah masalah ini dan anu. SEE? WE.O.WE=WOW!!! KALIAN MEMANG LUAR BIASA!
udah itu aja. gw cuma mo bilang aja salut and respect sama mereka yang tidak menyerah berbicara ini itu disosial media. keren bos.



P.S: Oh ya btw, gw bukan seorang muslim yang bener tapi basically, iya agama gw tetep islam. gw tinggal di wilayah indonesia bagian non muslim dengan lingkungan yang random. buat yang intoleran, coba deh sekali kali keluar kandang jangan jadi pengecut, keluar dari zona nyaman-dari ranah mayoritas.
gak, ga perlu jauh-jauh ke London. coba deh sebulan tinggal di ubud, terus ngiter ngiter ae random sekalian jalan2 biar ga setres2 banget liat pantat mobil terus dijalanan.
kemudian coba lihat dan pahami, betapa indahnya menjadi minoritas yang ditoleransi oleh para mayoritas :)



Rabu, 23 November 2016

The sea and the sun.




I tell you a story about the sea.
Here comes the sun who will always come back to be right above everyside on earth.
He light up the dark inside the sea so that's a reason why the sea can be look beautifully in blue.
And he turn the cold water to be warmer.
The sea and the sun is a perfect combination in a silver lining.

The sea: "it took a long to time to realize that you are the one that i need. I mean like.... wait, where have you been?"
The sun: "No. where have you been?"
The sea: "Maybe cause you'd been surrounded by clouds for too long. it makes me forget that you're exist."
The sun: "I think it's you. You're too busy to watching people that swimming inside you."

The sea: "... or that's how everything works. it supposed to be like that so it could turn out to be like this."



~

i knew you since 2006. i was on high school and your best friend’s girlfriend on that moment.
i didn’t remember when exactly our conversation started.
it probably like only once a year we’re saying hi on messenger? we’re open up about our own stories like how ugly our sin as a humans. No matter what the shit happened, we share our fucked up stories and supporting each other in text. and by the time when we’re finally met up for after almost a years, all we’re talking about is all the shits we’ve been through........
and just like that, we’re suddenly become a good friends.
you came to me and join me on the trip to Sumba. that's how all the feeling begins.
we didn't even touch each other when us both admit each other feelings. i mean i found it funny somehow cause look at us, people like us, all the things that we've already been through.
Some people may judge us 'what a damage human being' from a very first sight.
cause you and i are same. lost in translation.
so that's why i think we're funny. we have no expectation to could feel this way. not even a lust. not even a plan. we're just friends. friends who talk a lot about things. it sounds like a bullshit but i may prefer the word 'magic'.


Nobody's perfect and nothing lasts forever.
cause well, maybe i guess that's life: a struggle to win or surviving.
But with all the flaws and stories that reveal, you're still perfect. it's us that all i ever wanted.
And it took a long time, a years, and a lot of fucked up things to finally reveal that it's you. i need you because i love you.

Selasa, 18 Oktober 2016

What to do after a BREAKUP




Have you ever been in a very happy relationship that makes you feel it will lasts forever but suddenly it turns out to be the big bullshits and you (just like that) get dumped?


Like F. Scott Fitzgerald said, "There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice." Unfortunately there are some people that should experienced the toxic love. It's like you're just giving out all the best of you to the wrong person. A person that you always catch when he/she is falling but that person won't be there when it's your turn to fall, kind like the selfish one, a cheater, or the one who never truly love you.
Well i'm actually not sure if everyone will or had already experienced that one shit, but one thing that i knew is if you already passed it, you're likely laugh about your friend that maybe right now is 'in-struggle' to find the way back to herself/himself. cause i knew that shit had already grown you up or 'built' the new you and change how you see things.
Or maybe you just knew exactly that at the end, everyone heals. cause you healed. so your friend will.



K enough for the wisely introduction, i know i know.
Now first thing that you have to do is sit on your couch or lay your head on bed (whatever make your body feels comfortable).... close your eyes...... and take a deep breath.
...... yes the world feels like falling apart, things that you used to do is spontaneously changing (especially if you're living together), every memories-good or bad is playing like a random playlist on iTunes. you kind of feel alone and angry and sad in a same time.... but that's good. cause you're a human. and what you feel right now is a heartbreak. It's written in Taylor Swift's song and Adele's.
so it's normal, you're normal. you feel what everyone else ever felt.



WEEK 1
(the hardest bang)


Yes. you've got shot by an asshole. yes, the mthfckr is also robbed you and run away but NO stop making a move, do not chase-let the asshole fuck off cause it's useless you only make yourself getting worse cause you're bleeding right now. Goddamn you feel helpless you're panic-angry-and hurt at same time, you're whining and complaining with saying fuck this-fuck-that till you realize that it won't change the pain. you're keep bleeding anyway in a fucking heavy breathing.

So are you done feeling emotional?
Now let's take the ugly truth by open up the wound for one reason: to take-off the fucking bullet.



Yes. It's going to hurt you so bad and you will think like fuckkk God may hates you so much cause you have to deserved this shit. Feel it. It's okay to punch the pillow and scream and it's okay if you have to take a day off from your work to crying all day long in your bedroom. And it's okay after a couple of days you're still stalking over your ex that suddenly out of nowhere is uploaded a happy picture with someone else and you feel like 'fuck how could you be not fair and so mean to my feeling' then you start crying again.
I mean the point is if you want to take-off the fucking bullet you need to open the wound right? Do the things that make you see the truth; i know you hate it and you can't accept the fact that you have to get over it by yourself, but trust me, everyone is got better. so you will also get better. Cry. Out. Loud. or Louder. the babies are always crying when they're born. that's how the beginning of real life.



The bullet is out. the wound is clearly open. What you want to do next? 'i need to start a new relationship now'. not yet bitch, seriously relax and chill that is too soon, you only end up hurting yourself or another person feeling if you just think to 'bury it' anyway. i mean like what? you prefer to dying with a wound infection than face the pain in beginning and live healthy ever after? if you want to avoid the wound to getting worse you really have to left the wound alone for a moment. Love when you're ready not when you're lonely, remember? So what next? Block his number and every social media of him/her. if you still have a feeling to stalk, just do it. it's okay to still care but don't be offensive. silence speaks louder than any words. You need to cut off all the communication and don't ever make a space for your ex to 'linger'.




 WEEK 2
(the healing process)



Now, you need a lil help from people that you trust. Rubbed the goddamn open wound by using alcohol. Which means you need to be brave to share your thoughts and what you feel even that's ouch like for real, you may feel silly to can be emotional in front of them. but it's okay. it's really okay. people who truly care about you will help you to calm the shit that you feel. To be honest with yourself is a part of healing and dealing. Sometimes all you need is only a person who will be there for you even only for listening to your fucked up voices. They can be anyone, your mother, your brother, your best-friends, or even your dog. Don't be shame to show who you really are and what you really feel even the wound looks ugly and people be like 'ugh too bad for your life'.

I know, one of the hardest part of breakup is to leave all the things that you used to do together with your partner. Especially when you're not a type of people who get easily attached with someone. Loneliness (sometimes) sucks. but i ever wrote about the difference about people who being alone and people who feel lonely, right? I mean yes you can even feel lonely when you're actually not alone. Maybe that's why some people at party need alcohol to have fun and some other need a wifi-internet to just check-up the instagram feeds. Or even you're handsome boy who born from a very rich parents and you can always get whatever you want with beautiful friends and luxurious life that you're livin.... you still looking for a chill pill while your life is already chill. Or make a new jump to new business that more challenging you or even harm your comfort zone. See? No matter who you are and what you do, as a humans, you always do the distraction from the boredom of loneliness. It's the truth. You may ever heard that our ancestors on long time ago ever created a system that they believe on something that the sun is a God or the stars are the angels. They're alone and staring at the sky and believing about every move of stars and rain is giving a signs to them. It's actually not too different from us in this era. Hope is what keep us feel alive.



Sorry, where are we going right now? Yeah i mean the point is.. you may somehow feeling lost right now, but seriously life goes on. you need to get back to your own track to find yourself back so you can love yourself and bring back your own potential to make the best of you for YOU.
Let's start it by treat yourself first: have a massage at spa and blow your hair at salon, get a new cute dresses or cool stuffs, then buy your fav foods (i suggest you a pizza. and ice cream. with a vanilla and chocolate favour. purrfect.)




WEEK 3
(the healing)


Here we are at week 3. You know the wound is already getting much better after you sew it by doing your old-new routines with friends or doing a very new routines that excited. You can even start talking and make fun about your past without feeling emotionally sad about it. You're doing good but the wound still remains as 'wet-scars' that still look ugly. that's fine well maybe kind of itchy but avoid it to fuck it up by rubbing it. Cause no. you're not ready to be cool to play the 'hi, good luck' with people who hurted you. things take time. you may hate the scar so much right now cause it looks ugly and to remembering how you suffer to heal the wound is giving you so much fucked up. So i guess no. you're not ready yet. Someday you will be at the moment where you can see a scar as a part of yourself that make you proud to can have it. a big lesson.

What to do next? What? you're not feeling your life is full-fill enough right now?
Plan a trip. Go to places that you've never been before. Ask your friend to come with you or be brave to go alone. Blended with a people there. Experience is a new knowledge and you will know that life has much more interesting things than stuck in a one moment. Nothing lasts forever. but memories... it's your choice to make your own records to play.




WEEK 4+
(the dealing)


You are at the moment where you no longer care, you no longer hate, you no longer give a damn curse to a person who hurt you, and if there are some people asking you about the scars like "what is that? what happened?" then you're just feel nothing like "nah, it's just a scars."
You do whatever you like to do like usual. And you can slowly open up with a new person that has a good intention with you. Even then.... when you're accidentally met your ex with his/her new partner at somewhere you can be like "Hi how are you!?"...

You don't think about revenge right? Of course you're not. cause you don't care you really really don't care anymore. That's a sign of letting go. You're like releasing the toxic in your body and soul. It such a good feeling, isn't it? to finally feel a fresh air.




Congratulation. You did it. And i knew you would, cause i could and everyone could.
You find yourself back and passed all the shits behind without any regrets.
Love yourself and share the cup of love to people who deserve it.
A lesson learned. You're doing great.



Selasa, 27 September 2016

The Better Me

What makes me love about writing is cause i can releasing my poisons away. What poisons?
Kind of emotional things like love, hate, anger, sadness, madness, every fucked-up feelings.
And i want it to be a fun and have a positive impact for myself if i read my writings again.


Twitter. is one of my source to express my own thought and what i feel. so it's like a diary of my head and i really don't give a fuck for what people think about me then.
But lately, i admit.. yes i'm starting to lose myself.
i need to realize the fact that first, it's not a REAL DIARY it's a social mediaaaa,
and last, i feel like i'm a little bit being an 'attention whore'.......... like i'm tweeting for a reason? so it's for a certain people can read it? like why do i give valuable time to people who don't care if i live or die? (by the way yes that's The Smiths's song)


it all went wrong and i'm becoming a person who is not a real me. i know i have this crazy drama queen attitude but i used to play that role to reveal the truth and to express not for impression or something nyinyir or pathetic with alay's way. Things getting different, i'm out of control, my words is full of shits i can't handle my emotions i crave for someone's attention cause i know he's been watching me (or maybe not) and i'm trying hard to make my feelings and my position to be understood and i...... BEEEEEP, k enough. i deactivated my twitter account.




Today, i understand now silence is speaks louder than angry words. There's always a consequence in every actions. It's right that "How people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours."
Once again. Knock, knock, knock.... I hold my door opens for a same person that hurted me.
I know my consequence cause i knew him more than anybody else... but like again.. heart has no rule. Words mean nothing when the heart know what it wants.



You know what my problem is? I care. I really do. I love him and love is a fool.
For every flaws and consequences that i KNEW it will happens, i choose to take it.
So we're slowly moving forward with his pinky promises which i know it will usually to be (only) words. saya makan ulang satu-satu muntahan yang udah saya muntahin ke lantai. hm enak.


See? i fucking knew it already.

Seasons change. People don't. There will always be a reason from him to come and stay and... leave. One moment he comes and hold you tightly like you're everything he always wanted and one second then he leaves. Although it was hurtful (again) i think i get used of it. Sure, i get disappointed but this time not feel very surprised.



"I seen you at the worst but i choose to stay. I take it, it's ok, I love you. and i know you love me, that's why you always come back... and we're so happy together." and he was like "I was love you but things are different now. I choose my way to go. we're not same anymore. so i want you to also go. We will never be together, we have no future cause we're too fucked up."
"I'll wait. Till you ready. Let me love you. I'm with you, fight with you, i will never leave us. We can fight for us, it's not that complicated as long as we're together."
"No i give up. Please let me go. And please leave. That's the best way for us. I want you to be happy, i'm not a good person for you."

I begged him. That's my first time i begged to a man. But he kept pushed me away like that and right on a few days then he shows off a picture of a new, young and innocent looking girl :)


exactly what he said when he came back again. tasted like a true love. but nahhhh...


people say sometimes a relationship don't work out because of bad timing, but one thing that hurtful to realize is No, there's no such thing as bad timing. You either want it enough to make it work or you don't... it's all (BOTH) your choice. and it's true that no matter how good a woman you are you will never be 'enough' for a man who is not ready. Even i feel that you're the right person or (maybe) you also thought the same but well i think it's true for what you saying..... it is just what it is-we're just not meant to be.


dunia terus berputar, sekarang dibawah, nanti diatas.
tapi waktu. harga mati yang tak akan kembali. 



However, you bring out the best of me, and i thanked God so much about it.
and thanks to let me go and consist that you'll never come back (again) to waste my time. i mean wow first you respected me with honesty and you came back like a true love and now you leave me cause you appreciated me. looks like you're not really as selfish as i thought :) I don't know what's on your mind, but i believe everything that you did is to protect us not only yourself. correct me if i were wrong but don't get offended if it heard like a sarcasm cause well it is.




Ok. Now i'm being serious. I knew you more than enough so hopefully at the end you will found the one that can make you be a more and more better person. I wish when you think that you find the one she will stay forever with who you really are not only fell for the idea of you that you'd like to created.
I'm sorry for so many evil words that i threw at you that may make you feel kind of 'this bitch is crazy' then you're get angry too. i mean, i was just too emotional to accept the fact that i hate myself to cannot hate you and the fact that we need to end like this. from love us to hate us. life is ironic isn't it? Everything we've built, every years with tears and joy, the shits we've been through, our flaws, our family knew each other.. it's just felt so real but hell k yeah we're over.
You will never heard about me anymore and i hope you also won't ever try to reach me.
and oh by the way, your new girlfriend seems a nice person, i hope you can take care of her and i do really hope you both will always be happy together. amen.


thanks, i'm erasing you too.


i forgive me. i forgive you and i forget you. No more us.
So have a good time, stranger.




P.S : Dear readers, learn from my history. No matter how great and asshole you're both been together.... starting a relationship from cheating will never work out somehow.

Senin, 26 September 2016

a lonely soul.



I enjoy my self to go somewhere alone, sometimes meet a stranger, or hanging out with new people and my friends just for listening to their stories or sharing a comfortable silences. I'm not a talk-active person, but when i talk i can talk about everything till you ask me to stop.

One day, i went to the bar alone and met this guy.
And then when we're having a casual conversation, this guy asked me "why don't you hang-out with your friends?"
And i was like "i would when i'd like to."
And then he asked me "don't you feel lonely?"
i only stare his hangover face and look straight to his eyes for a seconds longer... then he drinks his another drink again, light on his cigarettes, pull his messy hairs up and down, then put his hand on his forehead, wink his eyes a moment and then staring back again at me and say "i'm so fucked-up."
and just like that....
he suddenly told me his whole world.


--------------------


Loneliness is more like a loss of self, a lonely soul, never feel truly happy and satisfied with everyone or everything they've got cause the only problem is they don't really know what they really want and what they really need to do. They're doing a distraction underneath their own pain. They said they're having fun but actually that is not what they really feel. They're laughing but not actually really want to laugh. They afraid to be alone when actually they completely feel lonelyThey're broken but they bury it deep down cause they're too afraid to feel the pain. They cannot be fix because the only person who can help them is themselves, and as long as they cannot understand the concept of how to be selfish without making people feel selfless: everything that they do will only end-up make a new hole... to bury.

start from a simple thing to do,
ask yourself, "are you really happy?"
if you have your hesitation to answer that question so it probably means that you're not doing the right thing from the beginning.

and here's a fact. You can always looking up for things that make you feel free and happy but you'll keep always crave for more like more and more. Why? Why you can't feel satisfied? Cause the problem is you should create your own happiness instead to searching for it into a person or somethings.


Feel it. Every pain or every fucked up shits in your mind, feel it, do not run from it. all the people have their own pain, their own luggage, their own memories that destined them to be a person like they are right now.
I can talk about this because i had been there before. I once run away. I moved my ass to Bali to avoid my problem. i always went to party and get drunk. i even hooked up with my friend, i involved myself to drama and fell in love with a fuck-boy, and then what? at the end i only end up hurting myself. I jumped to a big new hole, a brand new trouble, a new wound.
So then for the new wound, i took my way to face the shit with no rebound.
Yes the struggle is real it takes like more than 4 weeks for me to break free. 1-2 weeks is the hardest moment.
But trust me, it's totally worth the pain. I know it might sound cliche, but seriously, just be brave to feel it, take the truth as the way it is. The wound is easier to get healed if you let the wound open right? 




You will never feel lonely if you knew how to be friends with yourself first. And then you can suddenly break free, you can have a real laugh with your friends and meet a new people with a real conversation. To figuring out what exactly you really want and what you really need to do is one of a big part of growing up and be completely happy.

This is for people who always looking for rebound that only end up with hurting themselves and people feelings. Be happy with yourself first, that's how you can start to see and find out what felt right for you to do.




Kamis, 11 Agustus 2016

Harley Quinn: the worst life lesson about love obsession.



you guys seen Suicide Squad? Yes, it's not a best movie but seems like people do fell in love with the charming couple, Harley Quinn & Joker. They're completely cool AF and how Margot Robbie act as Harley Quinn is totally pretty well done, it's like Harley Quinn just being Harley Quinn.
And what making me interest is, there are some people label them as 'a relationship goals'... yeah baby it's just a social media with some stupid statements so chill, but i find it's somehow interesting to talk about.





What if Harley Quinn does really exist in real-life?

So have you ever been desperately in love with a guy & you think he loves you back the way you do but in fact he's just MAD and he driven you crazy?


Yes, you don't pick a person that you're falling in love with. it's just happened. and sometimes love is making a person becoming fool. it's like every little act of a person that you love is a big effort that makes you forgot how he/she puts you through into...
like isn't it ironic when they put you in hell and call it 'that's the way how i'm loving you' and you just believe it anyway?



J : "There is something you could do for me, doctor."
H: "Anything. I mean, yeah."
J: "I need a machine gun."

Your first love, sometimes is not the one who make you feel like the happiest person but the one who making you lose yourself and you feel fine with it, after then, it breaks you like hell. After this scenes, Joker is taking control the place, he's free but he's not done with Harley. He could kill her if he'd like to, but because he's a psychotic creep so he enjoys torturing her as well.

You can kill people with guns but you choose to make people destroy people by mentally fucked them up.

<- a="" call="" crime.="" is="" p="" real="" this="" we="" what="">so yeah what Joker did to Harley is clearly a crime not a cool romance.





J: "Question! Would you die for me?"
H: "Yes."
J: "No, no, no. that's too easy... Would you live for me?"
H: "Yes."

People may see how Joker threw her but suddenly turns his back and jump to pick her up seems like aww. But in reality check, will you let go the person who would live in suffer for you but you know you're not gonna do the same towards? If yes, then you're not Mr. J.
Joker didn't love her, he just needs her to be his partner-in-crime. He knew that she would do anything for him because she loves him. He manipulated her to make her loyal to his madness. in real life, when a guy is losing 'his number one fan' he will try a lil bit harder to make her (at least) fall back to his arm again. Why? cause he realise that it's not easy to find a person who will STAY FOOL for him. Such a beautiful stubborn and selfish-love, isn't it?




H: "Puddin!!! I can't swim."


This scene. When Batman is tracked them and crashed the car to the bridge and fell off.
He left her in the car. That's well enough said.




J: "Let's go home."


Why he always come for her?
You know abusive relationship is about power and control, not only physically but also mentally. He treated her like a property that belongs to him. So he would do anything to get her slave back. You know he's mad, he only get sad when his plan didn't work out like the way he wanted. Joker has his own world and everything that he's doing is always about himself. and sadly, Harley Quinn is desperately in love with him and always believe that Joker loves her as much as she loves him.
So nope, definitely not a relationship goals.



a tragic character to teach a young girl to not becoming like her.




Senin, 25 Juli 2016

2 in 1


be friends with ex's ex like



That moment when you find out or somebody told you that your boyfriend is cheated on you.... and then he admits his mistakes with a lot of act of regrets and ask you a chance, your heart like "yes give him a one more chance."

That moment when you're at the position as 'the other women' no matter how much time he always spent with you or no matter how he keeps always come back with begging, making you as "the only-other woman'... And then he admits his mistakes and ask you to be patient to make all good and 'clear' all the mess with a lot of act that he's actually choosing you, your heart like "yes give him a one more time."



You know what's exactly happening?
He don't know what he really wants but he only know what he don't want: to see you both leave and stop loving him.
and when you both being manipulated with all his "storytelling" that make yourself like the only one or the very special one... you both started to against each other with so much hate in your mind like "you bitch get the fuck out from our relationship" and the other like "not me you psycho weak girl you're the only who won't let him go."

Here i share you a thing to remember based from my true story. so next time if you guys are NEW at these position... you won't waste your time-too-long to hold on to something that yourself totally not deserved.





1. If he do really loves you (or at least knew what is a real love) he definitely won't destroys you.
Sure. We're not perfect. We all have flaws. But only the one with a real love can see the imperfection as perfection and the real couple will always make the relationship work out by accepting each other flaws..... WITHOUT playing a mess in the name of "can't deal with your shit".
Just because you bad at something doesn't mean he can do the wrong thing like that's a right thing. A real man don't make her girl waiting or begging. A real man don't play with feelings just because he's unsure with what he really feels. A real man choose to leave than stay for making a scars. So darling, do you still think he really worths your heart?





2. You know the truth by how the way it is not by how the way he makes you feel.
You hate this girl. And this girl hates you. Let's started from the very simple question.... "Why?" why do you hate her?
You both mocking each other like you both really know for a long time.
This girl says a bad thing about you because she judged you from a very first thing that she heard. And you say a bad thing about her because you judged her by a thing that you knew. What is the different from that situation dude?
You're hating each other because he puts you both as a trouble maker.
You may often heard his defensive word like "i knew i was wrong. my bad, my mistake..." then there's always next sentence by using the "....but"
You know there's always another story in one-side of story. So it's ok to meet 'the other', ask directly from her like "what makes you such a bitch" or "why can't you stop" Yeah i know curiosity is often leads to trouble. But if the trouble is 'the truth' that's why those who wonders don't always get lost. Don't make him always make you listening for a thing that you only want to hear. Isn't it so much better to losing someone but you can find yourself back?


3. He left you but he makes you stay.
If you listening and think with a straight logic.. This must be a word of a Mr. Nice Guy saying "if i don't love you i won't be here" or "i did it for us. can't you see? (With tears falling wow)" or "i was wrong i'm sorry but i really don't mean it, i love you."
Dejavu? If you always heard that from him anytime like EVERY TIME, you know you're living in circle of "something of nothing". he always puts you to be the happiest person to get you comfortable, then one day he stopped after you being comfortable. With so many unreasonable reasons. Tell me, if that is love then why it always hurting you at the end? And you know exactly that what hurting you the most is your mind that denying the fact that he won't never changes. He built your hope then drop it off to a million pieces. That's not love, that's more like a selfish-love. Nothing is sincerity there. He just loves himself too much so he wants to do anything to keep you for STAY IN LOVE with him.
You left me cause you love me? You love her but you left her? Sounds ironic.





4. Liar is always be a liar.
Yes. there's a 2 typical of liar in this world: the white liar and the ugly liar. Most of the white liars are a very caring person so he used to be spontaneously lying if he got depressed or panick. It's like a habit. Cause all he thinks about is avoiding trouble by throwing a lies to make the things fine. And for the ugly liar is typically not really different. But the ugly liar is likely to put himself to be seen as a victim. He has his own purpose for himself so he throw a lies. It's actually not a habit but sometimes he's lying because he'd like to. You know what's the conclusion?
No matter who you are a lie is a lie. If it can happened more than twice then it probably 99.9% percents it will always happening. He lied her. Why do you think he won't do that to you? Are you sure you'll be totally happy to living with insecurities?





5. Consistency. Understand that nothings will achieve without consistency.
Ok let's say you gave him another one more chance. But the last chance. Things are going very well. You did all your best. Full of laugh and happiness. And suddenly, bomb, he flipped. I don't care if he's having like a personality disorder or something like bipolar that comes when he got depressed.... But one thing that you should know: love is not only about a feeling but a choice. If he says that he choosing you, in front of everyone, then he screw it off.....
You have no reasons to stay any longer with that person.
There are many proves how some parents and old couple are married and live happy ever after without through an intense dating before. Have you ever wondering how does it work?
it's called a commitment.
how do you know that this person will commit to you if almost every words and promises can suddenly turns out to be a bag of balls? He promised to not gonna leave her and abrakadayum he's coming back and begging to you, he left her, he's done with her, he promises to not gonna call her or her friends, he promised you to will never try to see her again, he promised you he will never come back to her. but then it's her again. After he gets her, then it's you again. Dafuqqq?
See that circle of karma ladies? It's ok to spent your time and said it as learning process.
But do realise, only fool falls at the same place for many times. It's like you open a book but you're not actually read that. Hati gajelas, komitmen ga bisa, apa yang bisa diandalkan?





6. Destiny is for losers.
Don't trap with word of "god has this planned, it's better like this" or "if we are meant to be, we will" that's just a word from the lazy asshole who never stop blaming things without making a choice to do anything to be something. Things are getting better or worse is depending by the act not a motivational quotes.
Yes, time heals. time is unpredictable. time has no limits. but you can't let time make a choice cause that's not a human. stop wasting your time with a guy who don't even know how to make his time worthy.




You all ladies are beautiful.
You deserved to be happy. There are a millions of guy who lives around this world.
Don't be that so desperate to stuck with a one fuck-boy.
Especially if he could making you to fight another innocence girl.
Like hello from the other side what's up with the cock dude???

Rabu, 20 Juli 2016

Destiny?



I once in love with a person who having a high emotional temper, a real gentleman and well-organized guy.
When at first time he threw a fire to me, i'm shocked and could only listening and shut in silence.

6 years been together. I became a good listener and maybe the most calmest girlfriend that he ever had. If i were mad at something i only cry and write. I can't yell at person, especially to him. Because i knew exactly how it feels, so i don't want to be a kind of a person like that.

It suddenly making me realise that because of him, i could becoming a person like who i am right now.

I was a spoiled little girl who always cry behind my mother's back. He made me to learn about independence. How he raise his voice when i was crying because something silly of me like
"YOU FOOL STOP CRYING, THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET YOUR SHIT DONE."

without him, i won't be a brave girl. moving here in Bali, far from my parents, and get all the shits done by myself. he always support me that i can always do things better... even when my self said 'i can't' but he always right there, helping me till i can stand by my own feet.

I was lucky to had you as my boyfriend and my big brother. 


Thank you.

For built me to be a good listener so i could be a person who could sits and enjoy every story of people.
Thank you.
For built me to be the one who never lose a shit so i could always be calm with every situation in front of me.
Thank you.
For built me to be neat so i could always organized every shits around me.
Thank you.
For be the very first one of everything. Everything.
So i could reborn to be a better of me, to open my mind widely and to always THINK first before act emotionally.


Leaving you was like walking out from a straight line.
The beginning of a real life.







Then i was in love with a person who has this comfortable smile, a caring person, and a complicated mind.
At first we begins as friends. we share every laugh and tears at the same place. like a lost stars.

1 year been his doormate. Half year as his secondary. And another half year as his (officially) girlfriend.
I'm following his mind on his up-side-down.
I'm aware that i'm a good listener, so i swallow every beautiful words and tears that he gave, which made me learn then to "never trust people easily".

He such a Mr. Nice Guy but in a lot of dark-side (i bet his previous ex knew this)
He shows me how to always care, how to always give. And to sacrifice.
I was a selfish person but with him i'm a selfless.
Cause our relationship is all about understanding HIM for us. (????)
And also with him, i learned how to laugh in sadnesses...
which suddenly... everything made me realise of what myself should deserve.

Without his complicated soul, i won't be wise.
Like how to feel what i really want and do the thing that i need to do.
No matter how bad he treated my feelings, he is the one who bring out the very best of me.
Even tho the moment i lost myself, he's there standing beside me... just watching me drowning with that "i feel sorry"-face.

For every laugh and every pain that we've been through, now i become a person who believe that things won't always lasts forever so it's important to feel enjoy and give the best for every moments in presence.
At least it's better to get disappointed when you already did your best than end-up wondering and dead in regrets.

So yeah. I was lucky to had you as my boyfriend and my lil' brother.
(Even tho you're 3 years older than me. It's right that age is not a point of maturity somehow)


Thank you.
For every situation that you put me through in it cause i could be your mother, sister, a problem solver, a psychologist, a lover, a best friend, a bitch, and the karma. All in one.
You're making me feel proud with myself.
Thank you.
For making me feel weak so then i could learn how to be stronger.
Thank you.
For how much you care about yourself by holding on and play with my feelings, so then i could learn to let go, to leave and love myself first.
Thank you.
For showing me a real pain so then i could know how to be happy for real.


Leaving you was like walking out from a circle.
The beginning of a better me.






------------------------------------------------------------------
God and time won't show you the way if you don't start building your own goddamn door.
Because destiny is not a matter of a chance but a choice.

To live is to learn,
keep wondering but love yourself.
🍻

#madamkintil